Uneasy Rhetoric

Since it is the end of the year, here is my look ahead to 2007 in Sacramento — please feel free to share yours in the comments:

• Five new coffee shops will open in the grid. Six of them will be Starbucks.
• The Governor will buy a condo somewhere in downtown but will constantly complain that it isn’t nearly as large as his Hummer.
• Mayor Fargo will announce that a new Kings arena will be financed by buying the team and selling it to Stockton. Assemblymember Dave Jones will bust a vein.
• Gavin Maloof will slip during a major news conference and say “the San Jos… uh, I mean, the Sacramento Kings.”
• Landlords will begin referring to all of their units as “lofts.”
• R15 will be shut down for three months, renamed “Redux,” and reopened with Wii’s instead of XBOX 360s.
• Sactown Magazine will get a clue and buy a post office box in Sacramento so that its subscription payments don’t go to North Hollywood.
• Ten new restaurants will open in Sacramento. Randy Paragary will own twelve of them. His former employees will own the rest.
• A consumer survey will reveal that Sacramento restaurants are responsible for 36.2 percent of all flat screen television sales world wide.
• McDonalds will test market McNigiri in Sactown.
• The city will court a grocery store for downtown, until a survey reveals that loft dwellers don’t know what a grocery store is.
• RT will announce that the light rail line to the airport will be built by 2027, but only if hell freezes over.
• The owner of Tower Theater will finally admit that it never really planned to do any renovating.
• The levees will hold.