Uneasy Rhetoric

Remember when King Arthur came out and there was the big flap about the fact that they digitally enhanced Kiera Knightley’s breasts on the promotional posters? That was pretty much the extent of this movie’s mojo.

Clive Owen as King Arthur looked like an overfed Nicholas Cage, now with less acting range! Kiera Knightley continued to look like the much more sexy version of Winona Ryder. Her breasts were not enhanced in the movie, but neither was her resumé. Ioan Gruffudd (yes, I do know how to pronounce it) and Ray Winstone gave perfectly good performances that, with any luck, won’t tarnish their resumés. To see any of these actors in better movies, I suggest Gosford Park (Owen), Pirates of the Caribbean (Knightley - with two more in production), the Horatio Hornblower series (Gruffudd), or one of my all time favorite movies, Sexy Beast (Winstone). Then again, seeing all of these actors pick their noses for two hours might be more interesting.

The soundtrack was another Hans Zimmer “but you liked the music in Gladiator, didn’t you” festival of marching violins, peppered this time with Moya Brennan’s overused paddymoan. C’mon people, Clannad did a better job with Last of the Mohicans - a movie set in a location even farther removed from the shores of Ireland.

And, by the way, the so-called “historical accuracy” angle they were going for? Horseshit. But don’t take my word for it. And I’m not just talking about Kiera Knightley’s smooth skin or all of those wonderful flashing pearly whites or the fact that the so-called “Woads” (uh, don’t you mean Picts?) were all less hairy than Sean Connery.

Even with all the value I get by getting my movies from Netflix, I still felt ripped off. But, since my elders used to tell me that unless I had something good to say, I shouldn’t say anything at all, I will leave you with this: King Arthur is a better movie than Congo.